House of Night Series Review: Burned Quotespam

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Shit Protagonists Say

The guy’s voice was nice. I knew he was cute before I opened my eyes. Then I did open my eyes and smiled up at him ’cause I had definitely been right. He was, as my BFF Kayla would say, “a hottie covered with awesome sauce.”
Nobody has ever said that. Nobody has ever said that in the history of ever.
“Blow your nose, too. You have snot. You always have snot when you cry. That’s why I always have Kleenex.”

“Oh, be quiet! I don’t cry that much,” I said, momentarily forgetting he was dead and all.

“Yeah, but when you do, you snot a lot, so I need to be prepared.”

I stared at him as reality smacked me again. “Then what happens when you’re not there to give me snot rags?” A sob escaped from my throat. “And—and not there to remind me what home is like, what love is like? What being human is like?” I was bawling again, big-time.
Yeah, these are among Zoey’s first words to Heath when she finds him in the Otherworld, and SURPRISE, she makes his death all about her.

“Oh Heath, you may have died tragically young and lost the long, happy life you should have had, but now who is going to wipe the snot off of my face when I cry?”

Fucking monster, you guys.
“I need to go find the medical supplies. Sadly, they’ll probably be in that security office I sent the dorky guard to, which means I’m gonna have to zap his little pea brain again.”

“You could sense his brain was small?”

“Did ya see how high-waisted his pants were? No one under the age of eighty with a big brain wears grandpa pants pulled all the way to their underarms. Pea brain, I’m just sayin’.”
Didn’t somebody somewhere once say that one of Stevie Rae’s prime character traits was that she wasn’t mean? But now we’ve got her mentally manipulating humans and then making fun of them for succumbing to her mind control – this is just one more sign that she’s secretly evil, right?

Shit Aphrodite Says

She paused in her silent prayer, sighed, and bared herself to Nyx. Goddess, please. And not just because Zoey’s like the sister my mom was too selfish to have. I need your help with this because so many people depend on Zoey, and, sadly, that is more important than me.
THE SISTER MY MOM WAS TOO SELFISH TO HAVE. Wow.
“I mean I don’t give a shit about ancient history. Zoey isn’t some stick-up-her-ass High Priestess from back in the day.”

“People who ignore history end up repeating it,” Damien said softly.

“I didn’t say I was ignoring it, Gay Boy. I said I didn’t give a shit about it.”
shrug
“Skye? Really? Where is that? Ireland?” Stevie Rae said.

“It’s Scotland, not Ireland, retard,” Aphrodite said.
“The cows can do that? How? Cows can’t even talk.”

“Bulls, double retard. Stay with me.”
Yeah, this is the one where the r-word comes back in full force, and I’m like 80% sure it’s the next one where Cast gets on her high horse about being called out for using it.
“I think the Scottish clan stuff is cool,” Jack said.

“Of course you do,” Aphrodite said. “Guys in skirts is your wet dream.”
shrug


Shit Love Interests Say

Suddenly, Aphrodite was there right in front of him. Stark knew she was Zoey’s friend, but if Darius hadn’t had a vise-like hold on him, he wouldn’t have hesitated to knock her aside to get to Neferet.
What a prince, right?
“Sacrifice is okay with me,” Stark said, brushing a hand across his brow wearily. “Tell me what, or who” — he shot a sideways glance at Aphrodite, not caring that it made Darius bristle — “I need to grab and use for the sacrifice, and I’ll do it.”
A genuine prince.

“So what do I have to do? Find a virgin or something?” He didn’t look at Aphrodite then, ’cause, well, she obviously didn’t fit in that category.
I’M GOING TO SKIN THIS BOY ALIVE CHRIST FUCK I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

HOLD ME BACK
Rephaim’s last thought before he fell asleep was that he finally understood the ever-present sense of rage and restlessness that surrounded his father. Had Stevie Rae truly rejected him today and cast him from her, his world would have forever been colored by the loss of her. And that understanding held more terror for him than the possibility of having to face Darkness again.
Ugh. Rephaim’s mentioned things like this before, like there’s this line where he describes the moon as “that crescent that symbolized the Goddess who had broken his father’s heart and set about the sequence of events that created him”, and it reeks of icky victim-blaming shit. As though it’s Nyx’s fault that Kalona reacted the way he did when she rejected him, as though it would have been Stevie Rae’s fault if her rejection had sent Rephaim tumbling back into the darkness.

Like, no, Rephaim, your father isn’t angry and restless because Nyx rejected him, he’s angry and restless because he has issues that he needs to work on. That shit is not normal, and it’s kind of a huge red flag that you even think this way.

Shit That Will Make Your Brain Leak Out Your Ears

“You need to check out his body using your super Spidey Other-world senses.”

“You’re such a dork. There is no such thing as Spider-Man. He is a made-up comic-book-bullshit character,” Aphrodite said.

“They’re called graphic novels, not comic books — don’t be so dang judgmental. I do not have time to argue with you about the benefits of graphic novels on people’s imaginations,” Stevie Rae said.

“Oh, please, if its ass is feathered and waterproof, it’s a duck. Hello, pictures with little word balloons makes it a comic book. They’re dorky comic books for nerdy antisocial, nonbathing people. End of discussion.”
This is one of those conversations that I literally just don’t understand. It’s not funny, not even in the way that House of Night usually thinks things are funny, a’la the Barbie conversation that’s coming up, so I don’t know why it’s here. Aphrodite’s line doesn’t even follow logically from Stevie Rae’s!

This reads like an in-joke that Cast (poorly) shoehorned in to poke at someone, wasting our time and potentially insulting a whole demographic of her own readers in the process.

Only House of Night, right?
“Okay, I’m not Miss Perfect Schoolgirl, but I’m smart, and I actually did pay attention in class. Most of the time. I haven’t heard of any of this stuff,” Aphrodite said.

“Neither have I,” Damien said.br />
“And that’s saying something, ’cause Damien is definitely Miss Perfect Schoolgirl,” said Erin.
It’s funny cuz he’s gay and that means he’s basically a girl, right?

HAHAHAHAHAHA FUNNY RIGHT?
“Check it out—this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. It says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn’t she look exactly like Cher?”

“Wow, that’s insane. She does look just like young Cher,” Erin said.

“Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell’s up with that?” Shaunee said.

Damien gave the Twins a look. “There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.”

“Uh-oh,” Shaunee said.

“Stepped on a gay nerve,” Erin agreed.

“I had a Cher Barbie doll. I loved that doll,” Jack said.
Jack and Damien loving Cher is canon now, you guys. But it was canon before, right? Because they’re gay, and obviously all gay people love Cher, because all gay people universally love the same things and are the same, everywhere, in every respect.

Also holy Christ, a gay nerve.
“You’re talking about dolls,” Aphrodite said.

“Barbies,” Jack corrected her. “And just for a second. Plus, Barbies are cool and an important part of American culture.” He nodded in emphasis and clutched the “Cher” portrait to his chest. “Especially celebrity Barbies.”

“Celebrity Barbies would only be important if they had interesting accoutrements you could buy with them,” Aphrodite said.

“Accoutre-whats?” Shaunee said.

“You sound like you swallowed a French guy and are trying to spit him out,” Erin said, and the Twins giggled.

“Left and right brain — listen up. Interesting accoutrements equals cool stuff, like unusual accessories,” Aphrodite said, picking delicately at a chip.

“Okay, if you don’t know anything about Barbies, your mother seriously hated you,” Erin said.

“Not that we don’t understand that,” Shaunee added.

“ ’Cause everyone who even had one Barbie knows you can buy stuff for them,” Erin finished.

“Yeah, cool stuff,” Jack agreed.

“Not cool by my definition,” Aphrodite said with a superior smirk.

“What’s cool by your definition?” Jack asked, making Shaunee and Erin groan.

“Well, since you asked — I’d say it would be cool if Barbie made a Barbra Streisand doll, but you’d have to buy her fingernails and nose separately. And her fake nails would come in lots of different color choices.”

There was a shocked silence, and then Jack, sounding awed, whispered, “That would be cool.”

Aphrodite looked smug. “And how about a bald Britney Spears doll that had extras like an umbrella, a fat suit, weird wigs, and, of course, optional panties.”

“Eww,” Jack said, and then giggled. “Yeah, and a Paris Hilton doll that had an optional brain.”

Aphrodite raised her brow at him. “Don’t go all crazy. There are some things even Paris Hilton can’t buy.”
This is House of Night shooting for some kind of series achievement, right? Like hey, let’s see if we can be vapid, mean, stereotypical, and completely irrelevant to the plot all at the same time!

achievement unlocked: you're an asshole


Shit Nyx Says and Does to Her Own Followers

Aphrodite’s silent prayer finished with the thought that solidified her bond with the Goddess and finally made her truly a Prophetess in her own right. Please use me as a tool to help fight the darkness and to follow your path.
The terrible truth behind the world of House of Night, right? Nyx talks a good game about free will and choice and whatnot, but you don’t get jack shit until you “give yourself over to the goddess”. I’m telling you, this is why Neferet went rogue – she didn’t want to be this awful deity’s meat puppet.

“This is where we go when we die?” Aphrodite asked, awestruck.

Sometimes.

“What sometimes? You mean if we’re good?” Aphrodite had a sinking feeling that if being good was the criterion for getting to this place, she would probably never make it.

The goddess’s laughter was like magic. I am your Goddess, daughter, not your judge. Good is a multifaceted ideal.
lying
His close-cropped beard was completely white. The tattoos on his face were griffins, claws extended onto his cheekbones.
Brand-new red tattoos in the shape of striking whips framed Dallas’s face. Rephaim thought they looked disturbingly like the tendrils of Darkness that had entrapped Stevie Rae and him within the circle.
Aphrodite pressed her lips together and followed the ginger-haired giant whose tattoos were a series of intricate spirals that appeared to be made of tiny sapphire dots.
shrug
Her tattoos were incredible — swords with intricately carved hilts and blades framed her strong, sensual face.
Nyx put SWORDS on this poor woman’s face. I mean, that’s basically a dick, right? This is the most phallic imagery we’re going to get in these vampire’s tattoos, isn’t it? Also, note “strong” face, counterbalanced by the “sensual”. BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE FORGET FOR ONE MOMENT THE SHE’S SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.

What

“No one had experienced its like since the mighty vampyre Cleopatra cast a protective circle around her beloved Alexandria.”
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Seoras came to a huge set of arched double doors. Stark thought they looked like they would take an army to open, but all the Warrior did was to say in a low, gentle voice, “Yur Guardian asks permission to enter, my Ace.” With the sound of a lover’s sigh, the doors opened by themselves, and Seoras led them into the most amazing room Stark had ever seen.
With the sound of a lover’s sigh????

Christ I’m so glad we’re done with this for a while.

 

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